Dilbert's Words of Wisdom

* I can only please one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.
* I love deadlines.
I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
* Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
* Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
* Needing someone is like needing a parachute.
If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
* I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
* My reality check bounced.
* On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
* I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
* Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
* Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
* Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Dilbert's Laws

* A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
* Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
* After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
* The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
* You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
* Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
* When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
* If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
* Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
* Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
* To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
* Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
* Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
* If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
* You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
* People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
* If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
* At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
* When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
* Following the rules will not get the job done.
* Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
* When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
* The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
This page is maintained byKevin McManus
Last modified 29rd March 1999